Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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