1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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