no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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