8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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