If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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