"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
