tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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