the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
