I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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