Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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