i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
