I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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