yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just had sex bonerless
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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