Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
