Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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