I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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