I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
