I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
