Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
