8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
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In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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