Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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