i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
