remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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