Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
