i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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