Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just pee around me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
