Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
