She's JV to your varsity
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
