i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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