i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
that is very illegal...i love you.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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