The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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