Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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