3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
