If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
