You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
