i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
