Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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