I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
