I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
