i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
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Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
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While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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