Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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