He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
did i just pee glitter
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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