You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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