and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
