y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
