$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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