my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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