I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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