Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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