I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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