Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
