im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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