Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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