I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Randomize
