saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
