Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
