More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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