it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
