Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
