When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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