$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I believe in your delicious
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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